


Change

by locrianrose



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Mental Health Issues, post ME:3, renegade to paragon Shepard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 20:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5261789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/locrianrose/pseuds/locrianrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things change. A study in why they do centered around a renegade Shepard going paragon in the third game and it's aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Change

It’s fall on earth. It’s something that Garrus has never seen before, and something that Shepard had doubted that she ever would again.

It’s beautiful. When things are quiet (as they so often are now) she finds herself staring at the trees  and the way that they’ve managed to regrow after the war only to die again, and she’s reminded that after this there will be winter and spring and they will live again, and the thoughts give her comfort.

It’s easier to be kinder, softer now. Cortez visits them when he’s in the area, and she knows that he’s proud of her for progressing as she has and she is glad that he was there when they found her and that he was willing to stay at her side. They are friends now, and she is glad. In the same way that she was able to somehow help him to let go of his past, he was able to help her to regain her present after all that had happened. Garrus is grateful to him as well, and when he comes the three of them will often share a drink and reminisce.

Garrus and Shepard are due to visit Tuchanka in a month. Wrex has insisted, and now that things are rebuilt as they are her visit will also serve as a way for the Aliance to express support of the Krogan efforts to rebuild and grow, and after that they are slated to visit Tali.

Kasumi sneaks in a visit when Shepard is alone, merely confirming her status as living. Jack calls to brag about her student’s success, and when Garrus is out of earshot she thanks Shepard for what she’s done for her. That’s all either of them say about it. Samara sends a message, Jacob eventually lets them know he’s fine, and Javik is with Liara on Thessia, assisting with the rebuilding. (He’s sure to contact Shepard, informing her of what the Asari think of him, and what he thinks of their opinions. He’s uncertain, more so than he ever was before, and Shepard notes that he’s changing too.) Miranda is nowhere to be found, but whenever Shepard’s guilt threatens to consume her, Garrus is there to pull her from the depths before it overcomes her.

Grunt elects to stay with her for a time. She doesn’t understand why at the start, but she’s more than willing to have him there. His presence adds a levity that wouldn’t have been there between them otherwise, and his bluntness is more than welcome whenever sadness threatens to set in. He likes the food, and when all they can do is exist, he’s a living example of the fact that better things are in existence and that regrowth and rebirth will happen. He likes it when Vega visits, and Shepard notes that Grunt seems to still be searching for something in the aftermath of the war, but at times they all are.

Garrus is constant. While her physical recovery is slow, he is constant and Shepard cannot deny the fact that there is goodness in the aftermath of so much sadness.

Kaiden is the one who helps her to see just how she’s changed, after everything that has happened. The conversation isn’t much, but it makes her think and comes on a day that isn’t good.

“Shepard.” He begins, nodding at her from where he’s standing in the hall of the makeshift building where the meeting of dignitaries is being held. He followed her out of the room, offering his arm for her to lean on as she walks. In another time, she would have rejected his attempt to help, but this time the ache in her bones is enough to make her balk at the thought of walking, so she accepts his help. Garrus is absent for once, and the sight of someone familiar is needed.

He helps her to sit, then settles at her side as they watch the passersby.

Shepard doesn’t know what to say to him, so she simply sits and waits.

“Shepard.” He begins again, turning slightly to glance at her, his brow furrowed. “You’re different.”

That makes her laugh, and she gestures at the twist of her leg. “That’s one way to put it, Kaiden.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

His voice is earnest, and she’s glad that some things are still the same after all that has happened.

“What did you mean?”

“You’re different than you were before.”

Shepard sighs. Takes a moment to think what she’s going to say, but before she can, Kaiden speaks again.

“This isn’t coming out right. I guess what I’m trying to say is that who you were before the war—what you’d do, isn’t what you now. It wasn’t ever bad, it’s just—different.”

This makes her think, and she’s reminded of a conversation with Cortez, and the way that she was able to talk with him and how she was able to genuinely see that his yearning for the past wasn’t a weakness, wasn’t something that she could help through violence or ordering him to change—it was something that she could genuinely help, someone who needed her help.

That wasn’t weakness, that wasn’t lesser. That didn’t mean that anger or actions weren’t still needed, it simply needed something else.

And when he’d showed simple care and loyalty for her in return? That had helped her. Having someone who knew her past and ruthlessness, who had no obligation to care for her wellbeing beyond the basics of their occupation do so without any ulterior motive that could be found, and once she’d noticed that in him, seen his care, then she’d started to see it again in others, for the first time in years.

“Yeah.” She isn’t sure what to say to Kaiden—to tell him about Cortez, to mention to care from others who she’d learned to trust, or the complexity of what had happened and the changes that had come to pass during the slightest amount of time when he wasn’t a member of her crew.  (It’s now when she realizes that there are some things that she can’t tell him, that he won’t understand because of that, and she doesn’t know how to feel about.)

“I don’t know if it was my place to say that or not, but I wanted you to know.”

“Kaiden, you’re a friend.” She sighs. Looks at her omni-tool. There’s a message waiting from Garrus, so she stands slowly, wincing as her leg twinges. “I should go.”

He looks lost and alone for a moment, and she feels the need to add to her previous statements.

“Don’t be a stranger. Visit when the council gives you the time.”

“I will.” He nods to her, and she walks onwards, thinking about change.

Garrus meets her after his own meetings, and she’s grateful when they’re finally able to leave the makeshift building and move on to quieter places. She wants to walk, and he’s willing to oblige her. The leaves that cover the ground crackle under her feet, and if she can manage to not look at the wreckage and only see the trees she can almost imagine that nothing has changed.

The walk is longer than she would have liked, and by the time they arrive at their temporary home she’s leaning heavily on his arm and her bones are aching. The skies are darkening, and while she’s hungry, she has no desire to find something to eat. Things have changed, but not enough to make the nights and evenings easy to bear. She retreats to bed to lay and think, and it’s not long before Garrus comes to find her there bringing a reheated bowl of soup from one of Vega’s previous visits. It takes more energy than she thinks she has to eat it, but she still manages to finish it, slowly setting the bowl to the side.

“Tough day?” Garrus murmurs from where he’s sitting by her, and she slides closer to him, absently stroking a hand over his carapace. He gently places a hand in her hair, fiddling with the locks that are slowly growing back, and for a moment she’s reminded that while things have changed and might again, for now she has this, and even if things were to go badly there are others who would and do care for her, who would be willing to help.

She doesn’t vocally respond to Garrus, instead simply nodding and slowly tugging a blanket up to cover the two of them. He doesn’t ask anything else, just moves to hold her closer. They’ll lay there, and if nightmares come to either of them then they will be there to support each other, and that much is good and real and present.  

She has changed, but she has found good things too, and she appreciates that knowledge, and knows that she will fight anything to keep it that way, even after all that she has done, and if the situation demands that she not fight, then that is what she will do to save what she cares for.

 


End file.
